We find ourselves in the thick of award season, my favorite time of year.  A time when we can all finally say goodbye to Football and get back to what is important -paying tribute to a bunch of talentless freaks while they take turns patting one another on their flamingo adorned shoulders and blowing smoke up each others bleached asses.

 

I was pleased to see that LL Cool J was hosting once again, as the “drink every time LL licks his lips” game was such a hit last year.    LL was quick to mention the two Grammys that he won, back when he was relevant.  I think he won one award in the 80s for Rock the Bells and another in the 90s for his work as a deodorant spokesperson.  He stressed that he has only won 2 Grammys “so far,” as he is hoping his next gig, driving a horse and buggy, will earn critical acclaim.

 

 

 

Taylor Swift was dumped by yet another boy and wrote yet another awful song about it.  Her performance could have been called “The Imaginarium of Taylor Swift”  -it was just as confusing.  I think she performed the same song at last year’s show, but I can’t say for sure as they all sound the same to me.  She may have changed the name of the guy who dumped her, but not much else.

 

Taylor Swift’s opening performance was followed by LL’s moving opening remarks about his own Grammys. We were then treated immediately to another performance, this time by Elton John and some other dude.   I’m not sure who it was, but I guess Eminem and George Michael had previous engagements.  (Wouldn’t it be great if it was the same engagement?  I’ve been waiting years for a Michael-Mathers collaboration)

 

J-Lo hit the stage looking smoking hot as ever.  She said something about getting “the memo.”  Apparently, all of the guests were asked to dress a bit more modestly than normal, and avoid the see-through attire.  Side boob and butt-crack were also banned. Of, course, it was a pointless request; when J-Lo took the stage looking hot but classy, a picture of her in her famously low-cut, see through dress she wore many years ago was shown.  Oh well.  I just hope Adele got the memo.

 

Neal Patrick Harris introduced a performance from a band called Fun?  (I added the question mark, since I really didn’t know what to make of them.)  Their performance started all right, until they literally made it rain on stage.  I could only think of their poor instruments.

 

Just have to interject here.  As I’m writing, I’m seeing the nominees for Song of the Year.  I cannot friggin’ believe that Call Me Baby is up for a Grammy!  That really legitimizes the whole show.  Unfortunately, Fun won.  They actually seem like a nice group of fellows.

 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, the first country performance of the night.  I didn’t know who these people were, as I am not a fan of country, but they sounded like they looked.  They, of course, did a medley before going into a not-so-country sounding pop song.  It was the first of many songs we would hear featuring the word “Home,” with a church bell and muffled bass drum playing monotonously throughout,  an easy-to-sing-along chorus bringing it all together.   It’s all the rage.

Things were starting to get a little too white, so a very brief performance by what I can only assume was Bill Belamy led into the introduction for best Country song.  Carrie Underwood won, and secured her place as a leading lady in Country Music by first thanking the Lord, then dropping a “Golly,” and , of course, closing with a “glory to God.”

 

 

Mumford and Sons had a terrific performance, in my eyes.  No bells and whistles (literally), no characters from Alice in Wonderland, no fireworks and no surprise guests joining them in a medley of their hits.  The only strange thing was the introduction from an extremely orange-faced Johnny Depp.  I didn’t think that Tim Burton allowed Depp to see the sun.  Must be spray on.

 

Sorry, Beiber, the real Justin is back!

Justin Timberlake is back!  Justin Timberlake is back!

Beyonce and Ellen introduced the performance that reminded everyone how much all the other performers really suck.  Luckily for Beyonce, everyone was so excited about Timberlake that they all temporarily forgot about how she almost ruined the Superbowl. 

Jay Z even came straight out of the crowd to join him for a bit.  Jay Z sure has come a long way since the Mickey Mouse Club.

Just to reinforce that Justin is back, the next Bud Light commercial featured him performing the song he just performed.  Justin’s back!  Justin’s back!

 

Kelly Rowland, one of the other Destiny’s Children (recently escaped from Beyonce‘s basement)  presented the next award wearing a dress that showed she clearly did not get the memo!  (that wasn’t all it showed)   There were only three nominees, and, according to the other presenter, they were all brothers.  (Damn Harbaughs! ) Their parents must be so proud.  The winner said something odd about naked kids in tuxedos doing stuff for fun.  Luckily no one knew who he was, so it probably won’t be a big deal.

Dave Grohl introduced something, I wasn’t really paying attention, as I always zone out a bit when he opens his mouth.   Why did Kurt have to be the suicidal one?

While we’re at it, can someone tell me what the hell Maroon 5 is doing?  Aren’t they a one hit wonder band from the 90s?  Did I miss something?  Alisha Keys tried to save the performance with some nice underboob, but even she must be sick of this song by now.  This girl may be on fire, but she needs to be on a diet.  She’s been getting a little thick in the thighs.

Kelly Clarkson continued to legitimize American Idol by winning Best Pop Vocal Album.  I guess they got it right that first year.  Kinda downhill since, though.  She beat out Pink, Maroon 5 and a few others for the award.  It was a good time to go pee.

Speaking of American Idol, while he didn’t actually appear on the Grammys, over half of the commercials during the show featured music by the most recent Idol sensation,  Phillip Phillips.  You know, the song about “Home” with the muffled bass drum and church bell in the background, with the nice sing-along chorus.

 

Moving along… Rihanna was in the middle of a very moving performance when, suddenly, a homeless pirate sitting outside of the Parthenon turned it into a duet.

Then came the award for Best Rap Collaboration, or, Best Duet with Jay-Z.   The award went to Jay-Z and Jay-Z, for their album Duets in with Jay-z.  Produced by Jay-Z.

 

Dr. John, Night Tripper and the Preservation Hall Jazz Band all joined the Black Keys for a performance.  Dr. John also didn’t get the wardrobe memo, and wore his most revealing Indian headdress.  He was also possibly tripping his face off.  Unfortunately, like in all Black Keys songs, all I could really hear was loud, out of tune, distorted guitar.

 

Some of my favorite  scenes in the Grammy Awards are the crowd shots peppered throughout the performances.  A confused looking Sting, Ryan Seacrest laughing between his boyfriends, and John Mayer looking for the rest of his girlfriend’s shirt.  Taylor Swift’s awful white-girl dance.  Ellen and her girlfriend.   Adelle chewing on something.

 

Back to the stage, and a tribute to reggae legend Bob Marley, who just this week would have celebrated his 68^th birthday if he had simply removed a toe from his left foot.  Alas, his religion prevented the surgery, legend says, and the CIA sponsored cancer won out.  In the absence of Marley, we were treated to a Grammy-style tribute.  Bruno Mars kicked off the Bob Marley tribute with a Bruno Mars song.  He was then joined onstage by Sting, who really honored the fallen Buffalo Soldier with a Police song.  Finally, Ziggy Marley took the stage and danced around while another Marley brother, the unfamous,  real-Rasta one, sang Could You Be Loved.

 

We were then treated to our second “Home” themed song featuring a muffled bass drum and a church bell, this time by the Lumineers.  Cut to Taylor Swift.  I had never seen the Lumineers before, but I somehow knew at least one member of the band would be barefoot, wearing suspenders and a bowtie.

 

Jack White performed a couple of songs from his awesome  Grammy nominated album, Blunderbuss.  Jack White looked, as always, as if he was trying out for a part in a Tim Burton movie.  With Johnny Depp’s recent coloring, he may now have a chance.  White, of course, rocked.

 

Fun. won for Best New Artist. We all won with Katy Perry’s dress.  Wow.

Hunter Hayes gave a short performance to introduce Carrie Underwood.  I really think Hunter would make a great boyfriend for Taylor Swift.  I really don’t think he has the balls to dump her.  I don’t know.  That chick might be crazy crazy.

Prince stumbled back from Las Vegas, where he has been hiding out for half a decade, to give the award of Record of the Year to Gotye.  Of, course, we’re all taking their word for it that the rest of the album is as good as that one catchy song.

 

The head of the Grammys came out with Ryan Seacrest, who is apparently heir-apparent to the Grammys.  They introduced Justin Timberlake, once again.

Justin’s Back!

Timberlake and Seacrest announced an award focused on recognizing music teachers in schools.  No jokes here.  Just go to grammymusicteacher.com if you have an amazing music teacher to nominate.  I know I’m nominating Mrs. Gruber, who taught me about the electronic harpsichord and Bunny and Alligator, her imaginary friends who had many crazy adventures.

All the stars we lost this year were then honored, as always.  Donna Summer, Robin Gibb, MCA, Earl Scruggs, Davy Jones, Dick Clark, Donald “Duck” Dunn, Levon Helm and many, many more artists left us this year.  Of course, an all-star jam was in order.  Elton John kicked off the out-sing-a-thon, and was joined by Zac Brown, Mavis Staples, Alabama Shakes and Mavis Staples.  (Yes, I know I said Mavis Staples twice.  If you saw it, you know why.)  I assumed Paul Shaffer was directing from somewhere.  I was disappointed to be deprived the obligatory Boss or McCartney appearance, but Mavis Staples clearly made up for it.  She stole the ending, saying this is my show, Bitches. 

 

Shit just got real.

The strangeness continued as the show featured a performance by Latin Grammy winner Juanes, who awkwardly butchered  Elton John’s “Your Song.”   He was apparently giving a “bilingual performance”  of the Elton John classic.  I speak Spanish, and let me tell you, he screwed it up in both languages.

 

He then introduced Frank Ocean, whose song is apparently entitled Forrest Gump.  The only lyric was “Forrest Gump.”  There was a screen playing a scene from Forrest Gump in the background.  Something is very wrong with this Frank Ocean.  (If something is actually very wrong with Frank Ocean, I’m sorry.)

Things just got really weird. I think the Grammys were hacked.  What’s going on?

 

As per LL Cool J’s contract, he took the stage for the finale.  Chuck D and Tom Morello joined him.  Unfortunately LL only allowed Chuck to repeat one signature line over and over, but he was still awesome.  The performance was rocking pretty hard when the credits came on and the lights went out!  What was happening?  How could this awesome moment be cut short?

Wait!  I know!

BEYONCE!!!!!!