(Continued from Part 1)
The streets were finally closed to traffic and swarming with people. In a ten-block area, nine stages had been erected. Yes, I said nine, one every block. After further inspection, we found the theme to each of these stages, which I will happily share.
The nine stages consisted of two Main stages, located, of course, right next to one another. The larger of the two was adorned on either side by 3-story tall inflatable bottles of Pilsner, the local (read: only) beer and sponsor of the event. These stages were populated by different pop-rock bands throughout the evening, with a myriad of hosts and announcements between. They were within 500 feet of one another, and made no attempt at alternating entertainment in an effort to not compete.
Walking a block from the second main stage, we encountered the Bailes del Mundo stage, or Dances of the World. This stage, as the name suggests, featured a troupe of dancers performing, in costumes, portrayals of different regions of the world. We were lucky enough to catch the segment of the show dedicated to the good old U.S. of A. The several male dancers and lone female were all dressed as if they had just came from the audition for the Grease musical. They entertained us with repetitively choreographed pieces set to the music of Footloose and Elvis, further solidifying my suspicions that Ecuadorians, and perhaps all Latin Americans, claim no recognition of the United States’ contribution to culture beyond the 1950’s. (I already explained how they might think of the Smurfs as their own – I am certain they believe Michael Jackson was a Latino. No gringo could dance like that!)
Just beyond the Bailes stage was the Clown stage. Latin Americans have a huge love of clowns, along with men in drag, which, for some reason, always go hand in hand. The clowns make crude jokes about farts, and everyone is happy. I hate clowns.
The stage directly below our balcony, of which we had perfect seats, turned out to be the Mariachi Stage. At the start of the evening I swore I must have translated wrong when I heard the announcement that there would be five different Mariachi bands. It’s like saying there would be five different clown acts with fart jokes. For those who haven’t been serenaded in a Chi-Chi’s and are not familiar with the intricacies of Mariachi bands, I offer a quick lesson. The basic requirements of any Mariachi band are: A comically oversized guitar. A comically undersized guitar. A trumpet. There are also a few basic rules. The oversized guitar must be held away from the body and at such an angle as to further emphasize its greatness in size. 
The other distinction of a Mariachi band, one that I cannot find in any other genre of music, is the required uniform. The black pants and jackets with lace-adorned details, the red scarves, and, of course, the comically oversized hats. These requirements accompany a limited, predetermined set list of songs by which any Mariachi band is legally required to perform. Upon fulfilling all said requirements, there is little room for originality within Mariachi bands, making the need for five of them to ever appear in the same place at the same time freakin’ ridiculous! Needless to say, our front row seats suddenly were less appealing.
We moved on to the next stage, the Kids’ Stage. This one featured dancing from everyone’s favorite characters: the Smurfs, SpongeBob, and Yogi Bear.
After the Kids’ Stage, we visited the MultiTalentos stage, which was basically a talent contest. We did enjoy a couple’s moving dance set to Sinatra’s My Way.
Next was the Circus Stage. Probably the most enjoyable, the Circus Stage featured the entertainment we had grown accustomed to on the streets of Montañita: fire spinning, fire baton twirling, and fire eating. While still a good show from talented performers, it is not quite as exciting as when it is done on a small, crowded street in a town filled with thatched-roof and bamboo buildings.
Last was what could only be called The Slutty Girl Stage. In every Latin festival or celebration I have ever seen, in very strong contrast to the otherwise somewhat conservative values displayed by the people, there is a Slutty Girl Stage. The Slutty Girl Stage consists of several different groups of scantily clad young girls, poorly singing along and dancing to popular tunes. The dancing usually consists of the same three or four moves repeated over and over, with very much attention being drawn to the bare buttocks’ of the dancing ladies. Just to make this scene even more uncomfortable, the Slutty Girl Stage usually involves some sort of crowd participation. In this case, several couples were invited onstage to participate in some sort of inappropriate dirty dancing contest, while the thong-clad dancing girls offered critique, and the crowd voted on a winner. Demonstrating the same charity as with the Mariachis, at least four different groups of girls were invited to repeat the exact same act.
So, which of these nine stages do you suppose was the most popular?
Hands down, without question, throughout the entire evening, the stage with the largest, most enthusiastic crowd? The Clown Stage.
We ventured from stage to stage in search of street food, which is always prevalent in abundance at these types of events, and is usually extremely delicious and very affordable. To our disappointment, although there were no less than 15 beer vendors, we could not find a single morsel of real food being sold throughout the celebration. I say real food because, of course, there was no lack of candy, ice cream and other sugary treats. Well, it was New Year’s!
We had the pleasure of watching several different fantastic fireworks displays from the comforts of our balcony. These were all launched from boats situated just a few hundred feet away from the Malecon, on the river. Ecuadorians have access to amazing fireworks, and they must cost a fraction of what they do in the States, because they went on all night long.
We alternated between our balcony and the party, doing a lap up and down the street every once in a while to take in the entertainment from the stages and the even more entertaining crowds. We were anxiously awaiting midnight, deciding if it would be best to be among the crowds or watching from above. We never needed to make this decision, however.
At ten o’clock sharp, while performers were still on several of the stages, they began to be disassembled. At first we thought it was just some of the smaller stages, and the party was to be centralized around a main stage for the duration of the night. We looked towards the main stage and saw the limp, lifeless bodies of the once-magnificent giant bottles of beer. What was going on? It was two hours from the New Year, and the party was coming to an end?
Throngs of people began a mass exodus in a similar direction. We finally found some other gringos who explained the situation. This party ended at ten, and from there everyone went to different fiestas around the cities. All of the Año Viejos were being transported (by auto rooftop) to other locations to be burned. All of the beer was gone.
With the most uncharacteristic efficiency we have ever seen in any Latin country, for any purpose, the entire street, which had taken all day to set up and prepare, was completely returned to normal in exactly 30 minutes. These people had a party to get to!
We had taken notice with a bit of disgust the amount of trash being thrown on the ground al over the street. Unbeknownst to us, this was all part of their system. Yes, they actually had a system. Again, with unexpected efficiency, swarms of workers with brooms hit the streets to clear the trash. Foot by foot they swept (using the brooms correctly for the first time we have witnessed – Ecuadorians typically sweep with an odd pushing motion), and section by section they bagged all of the trash and piled it into waiting trucks. By 11 at night, the street was spotless, traffic was restored, and anyone who had just arrived would not have a clue that merely an hour ago thousands of people and hundreds of entertainers had overtaken this large area of the city.
Kelly and I decided on a slight change of plans. We managed to purchase one last beer before the vendor disappeared completely, and quietly sat on our balcony, toasting in the New Year. We then were afforded a luxury we did not think possible that evening: A peaceful, quiet night of sleep!